| Within the next hour I will have been on this earth for 21 years and a week (wow feels old) after 20 time seems to go by faster. I hardly ever blog anymore - correction... I never blog anymore... Why blog when noone reads it... But tonight I just need to get some feelings out into cyber air.
I feel old, and because I am such an ambitious person I often think to myself that I haven't done enough in my 21 years then I make myself feel guilty. So what's new with me? The past year has not been easy. My grandmother, the sweetest woman I have ever known in my life died, along with two other family members, and I got into a terrible car accident on June 24th, but let me not focus on the negative because despite it all -GOD IS GOOD-
These days I get down on myself for not being good enough, pretty enough, and as usual never skinny enough... My weight the ongoing problem in my life and the thing I feel sometimes holds me back so much. Journalism and Sociology are my current majors, but sometimes I feel like if I started at Rutgers three years ago and had the opportunity to choose my majors they wouldnt be what they are, then I think... Why look back? I'm thinking about law school and also about grad school I don't know which one is for me yet. I don't know what I want to be when I graduate. I don't know what I want to do with my life.... I don't even know if I want to stay in America... I miss home...
The only boy I've ever been in love with since I was 15 years old still has my heart, but, as the saga continues, he doesn't treat me how I want to be treated right now, and there's nothing I can do to change that, only pretend like it doesn't hurt and try to act like I'm gonna move on.
My best friend since I was 13 and I are no longer speaking, and I wonder will it be for good this time, she's mad at me for various reasons, the majority of wish I think are dumb and childish, am I going to be the one to ask for her forgiveness and for us to move on? No, because I felt that I have done nothing wrong, and what I did do"wrong" I've already apoligized for, so maybe its time to move on. Its only 8 years of friendship down the drain... But I'm not going to look at it like that, I'll look at it the half full way, we had some amazing times and I will miss her,but not this her, the old her. I wish I could look at the situation with my ex like this, but he still has my heart and I don't know how to take it away from him - pathetic, I know.
She never liked him and he never liked her, and she probably feels I'm choosing him over her right now, but then again the reason our friendship is breaking up is much more complicated than that. She's a jealous person, her negativity is stifling and I just don't want it around me anymore.
Time for a fresh start - I guess. I've gotten to a point where I feel very SURE of who I am. Obviously I'm 21 and that will change over the next couple years if God spares my life, but I feel very sure of who I am.
One thing I know is that I miss my poetry. I used to write all the time, now I just don't and it's sad. I desperately need to start again, something inside is not right, because I am not writing....
Goodnight.
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